November 12, 2011

• just because

  This afternoon I was trying to be disciplined.  I took a half-hour break from cleaning house because I wanted to answer your comments on my last post.  I was telling Becky that yes….I DO remember that dress! And Audrey R.– it’s pear-shaped figures and going grey early for me as well.  And Jessica, I LOVED your words on how to relate to my daughter when it comes to fashion.  And Amy– you are always wise and I think you must be like your lovely little white-haired mom.  And other things to the rest of you.  I was just wrapping it up and by mistake I hit someone’s username instead of ‘reply’ and lost every one of my replies to you.  And then I realized that I had forgotten to put my roast in the oven and felt quite angry with myself.  And it looked too daunting to start over.

  But heartfelt thanks.  I loved the thoughts and the tips–and your hearts. You know what?   Once I kind of tried to write about beauty and once I tried to write about fashion.  Those two posts probably had the most views of any on this little blog of mine.  And that tells me that as ladies (and maybe especially as conservative ladies) these topics grab our attention.  We want to discuss them and come to peace about our place in the scheme of things.  I want to add some really great links here yet on these subjects from Christy and Jenny, two of my favorite bloggers.  (I hope you guys don’t find me getting all familiar with your names annoying.  I just feel goofy typing out usernames all the time.)  These posts and comments are worth the read when you find the time.  In case you haven’t noticed I still haven’t learned how to link without doing it the long way:

  Part one:http://twofus-1.xanga.com/716130707/beauty-femininityand-me/

  Part two:http://twofus-1.xanga.com/716570612/more-on-beauty/

  AND

  http://baileyandme2.com/2011/06/05/aging-gracefully/#commentlist

  http://baileyandme2.com/2011/06/14/aging-gracefully-revisited/

   

  (I just have to say that I hope if you ever meet me you won’t be disappointed in my lack of fashion.  I am plain and simple.  I have a big nose.  And style is such a personal thing.  What one thinks is beautiful another thinks is ugly.  So there.)

  I get a rush from hitting the “Post” button on a post I’ve worked on for a while.  And who doesn’t love comments? But the other day after my fashion spiel I went for a long walk on a grey November afternoon with my brown coat and my blue dress and blue-green sweats and grey and pink tennis shoes and blue-green ear muffs (the kind that no one but Dan’s sister Monica and me wear anymore) and as usual I was second-guessing what I’d written, wondering who might read it and think ill of this fickle pastor’s wife up north.  And I was wondering whether “Love not the world, neither the THINGS that are in the world” applies to boots and sweaters. 

  And then of course it got deeper and I was asking God why for so long I have been reaching for the invisible Him.  Maybe you’ve noticed that I don’t often get very spiritual here.  Well, I’ve had trust issues with God for what feels like forever.  And while others speak glowingly of feeling loved and rejoiced and sang over by God, I sit quietly in the corner hoping no one asks me too deep of questions about my relationship with my Maker.  While it sometimes feels like everyone else is getting fed from the Word, I read and feel like weeping at the seeming paradoxes I find in the beautiful but sometimes damning words of Scripture. 

  It’s not that I don’t see Him.  He is everywhere from the vast landcape outside of my kitchen window to the smile of my baby to the warmth of Dan in the bed beside me to the geraniums blooming in my sunroom to the affirming words of friends.  But there is always this relationship that seems beyond my reach.  And I just know I don’t love Him like David or Paul did.  Often I pray for just one little word from Him and feel nothing.  But as the November wind blew and the oil patch guys drove by in their white pickups and left a smell of cigarette smoke in the air (I’m not kidding) I thought of (I want to say “God gave me”, but why does that sound presumptuous?) those good, good words in Micah 6:8

  “He haths showed thee, O man what is good…….

                       And what doth the Lord require of thee…..

                               But to do justly

                                   And to love mercy

                                     And to walk humbly with thy God.”

  And I realize (AgaiN!) that it’s so much more simple than we make it. 

  *******************************************************************************************

  Dan & I took a quick trip to town after school the other night.  I love having children old enough to stay home alone. Victoria was left with instructions for making hamburger gravy to eat over leftover mashed potatoes for supper.  As darkness started to fall and it was 5:15 and we were hungry and it was just Us Two in the busy little city of Dawson Creek, we decided to eat out at the last minute.  And sometimes just sitting together and eating poutine (french fries with melted cheese curds and gravy–sounds bad but is so very good) and drinking decaf and watching hockey at White Spot is all it takes to make you feel cocooned in love and ready to face the demands of parenting and church and life.

  *********************************************************************************************

  We have revival meetings scheduled at church this week.  I’m looking forward to them.  But having a minister around for a week always frightens me a little.  There is food to think of.  And the noise in this haphazard and harum-scarum place to try to tame.  This is the place where I couldn’t find the lid for the Caesar dressing last night because Andre was calmly licking it out.  And it’s here where the children roar around the table pushing each other in chairs and use me as I open the oven door to check my breadsticks as the stoplight.  It is here that there was a fight over who has the biggest big toe yesterday.  And it’s here  that we use “coloringfood” (foodcoloring) in our playdough and clip our nails with “nailfinger” clippers.  It is here that breakfasts can be very grouchy.  These were my observances of my family this week as I was thinking about guests.  But then again:  Victoria says, “I like having company.  Everyone behaves better while they’re here.”

  Have a good weekend.

  Walk humbly today.

  • 3:11 am
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