February 27, 2012

• Friendships, Cliques, & FFE

  Started this post on Saturday. Finished it late Sunday night. I don’t know if it makes sense, but I’ve been missing my blog and this is the muddle of my brain right now…..

  A snowy Saturday morning after a winter of very little snow. A day delightfully unplanned with no major schedule. I can’t think of much that is more delicious. Except….

  I can’t get my mind off of the Flip Flop Event in Ohio this weekend. I miss the bloggers who are there. I miss them on Facebook and Xanga. I wonder what they are doing right now. Most of you in my xanga circle know what I mean by the Flip Flop Event–the big FFE. To those who don’t: It’s a blogger meet-up. I think they had a similar get-together the summer of 2010. A unique group because most of the gals are Mennonite or ex-Mennonite. *Excuse the labels, ladies.* (I don’t know whether to call them girls or gals or ladies or women or what. Nothing sounds right. Gals is too western, girls too familiar, ladies too elegant, women too woman-ish. I don’t like my hyphenated words up there either.)

  Back in my first days of blogging, I remember this elite group of ladies who were SUCH pals. I felt myself hovering on the edge of things, enjoying them and their writing and wanting to learn to know them, but afraid of looking too eager to join a clique or something. I know. I overthink badly. And that’s not really how it works anyway.

  Oh me. I thought the days of cliques kind of ended after I quit going to Bible school. I’ve always been clique-wary. (excuse the hyphens) I think it had something to do with having the mom I did and also with coming from a very small and isolated church and school. My mom always looked out for the underdog and she pounded that into us. (I love her for it.) At our church, if you were only friends with your age group or the people who thought like you did, your group of friends narrowed to next to nothing. So I kind of grew up with this wariness of all close groups of friendships, exclusive or not. Not that I didn’t have close friends, but in my mind I was always bending over backwards to make sure I wasn’t part of any cliques. I remember having a fun group of girlfriends at Maranatha Bible School and getting together to go out for dinner several times. My best friends would get a little disgusted with me because I worried about this person and that person that we should invite and just had a general guiltiness because I feared being exclusive.

  To this day I automatically gravitate to the people standing alone in the corners. I do not say this to sound righteous. It’s just a part of my nature that will probably never leave me. But sometimes the corner people want to be there. Sometimes you leave a good conversation to look out for the “lonely”, only to realize that they’re just fine, thank you very much. Sometimes you may sacrifice one friendship of depth for 5 shallow friendships. And the balance can be very, very delicate and hard to find. Maybe especially when you are a pastor’s wife or someone in leadership and you try hard to maintain unprejudiced relationships and stay away from anything exclusive or friendships where you might be tempted to gossip about someone else. And another thing: You can go crazy in a large crowd trying to talk to all the corner people. It’s just impossible.

  But getting back to FFE. I don’t know how they worked their invitations to this event. I think maybe the core group of ladies each invited a friend and then that friend invited someone else until it was the size of a group they could handle. Or whatever. I may be off track here. I had a last minute invite and felt a little like it was an afterthought. And probably the inviter didn’t really expect or hope that I’d come. (yes. That’s how I reason.  Never think too highly of yourself, you know.  ) But I was honored. And unable to attend. Flights to Columbus Ohio were $950 six weeks before FFE and $2300 at the last minute. Much as I fiercely love Canada and the North, these are the times when it’s the hardest to live so far north and west and so far off the beaten track. My sisters and I are getting together in Virginia this spring and it didn’t seem wise at all to pay for two trips back east in so short a time. I was disappointed and in a way it bothered me more than I thought it might not to be there. But in other ways it was a relief not to be worrying about outfits and fighting nervousness. I’m afraid I would feel really northern and unique in that group of ladies. And unstylish.

  But I need to go on to say that this group of girls/gals/ladies/women/bloggers has been so accepting, gracious and kind online. Just because you’re a popular writer and get 30 comments every time you post doesn’t mean that you’re proud or snobbish. Just because you know how to take beautiful pictures or decorate a house perfectly or are witty doesn’t mean you expect everyone else to excel at the things you’re good at. I think in the past I’ve had hang ups and held people at arm’s length because everyone else thought they were great. So I’d make up my little mind that I wasn’t going to like them. And that is pride in one of the worst forms: jealousy, really.

  And you know what else?  In life we do have favorite people.  There are people that we click with.  There are people that we sit up and take notice of when they speak or write or post on facebook.  Maybe we’ve never met them, but they make us feel good or happy or challenged.  Or they make us laugh or think or cry.  And it’s okay to have favorite people.  I could name you about 10 of mine in short order.  But our favoritism needs to be balanced by love and acceptance and growth in loving the un-favorites that rub us raw in spots.

  I would love to have met Cindy the Encourager and the Gentle Rachel and Wise & Funny Jenny K. and Down to Earth Audrey R. and Lovely Amber H. and Comfortable Christy and Smart Farm Wife Andrea this past weekend. I would have loved to reconnect with my old friend Audrey M. and calm and beautiful Kay (my student from looong ago when she was 16 and I was 18) and the Becky I last knew as a little 16 year old Mennonite girl. And the rest of you. I have no doubt (I think that you would be nicer in person than you are on the screen

  Random observation:

  (*NAME DROP: To mention casually the names of illustrious or famous people in order to imply that one is on familiar terms with them, intended as a means of self-promotion.* And yes. I’ve been guilty.) 

  I can understand that a group like FFE has to have a starting and stopping point. I want to embrace the world, rush around making sure everyone has a spot, look out for the ones who might have been missed, and in general make a muddle of things. Especially online, there is a point where you have to say: “I have enough friends now.” I could wear myself to a frazzle trying to comment on every post I read or encourage every person on facebook who needs encouragement. And then I realize that I am not indispensable and maybe I need to be quiet for a while.

  The blogging system is an intricate and mysterious one. I remember a friend comparing it to being at the playground and wanting to be friendly, but unsure if the kids who are having fun want you to join them or not. If you are a total newcomer, as I was almost two years ago, you cautiously make a few comments, then sit back and see if the others ask you to join and play or not. Some do. Some don’t. And that’s okay. Maybe sometimes you need to wander off and find someone else who needs a friend and get your own game going. I seldom keep commenting on a blog when there is no reciprocation. I may keep reading it because I like the writer, but friendship is usually a two way thing. Some people are overwhelmed with readers and can’t follow you just because you follow them. ( And as I write this, I realize how thankful I am that Jesus always has time for a new follower.)

  On the subject of cliques and things: I have found it so interesting and sad that some of the people in my life that I once looked at as having it all together and always dressing right and knowing how to play volleyball and knowing how to get in with the right crowd are actually needy adults who don’t necessarily have a niche where they feel comfortable. They may be aching for friendships but don’t know how to be a friend. Maybe they never learned to reach out to all kinds of people and now they’re left high and dry.  I don’t know.

  One really cool thing about the past and present is this: Now that we have children and greying hair and aren’t quite as concerned about the latest style, we’re so much more on the same level with those people we once thought were above us. Those volleyball experts are quite nice in their own homes with their children around to keep them humble. And then they do things like get ordained as ministers and you have lots in common and maybe the ladies are still doing their hair the way they did when they were 17 and they just don’t seem intimidating like they did back then.  I think the truth is this:  They probably weren’t as scary as I deemed them in the first place. 

  No matter where you go or where you read or what job you do, there are people who need friendship. And whether you connect because you both adore Ann Voskamp or both read Karen Kingsbury or because you both can’t stand KK and find AV overwhelming or because you love vintage stuff or you can’t decorate worth a hoot, friendships are good. And they’re still good if one of you loves KK and one of you can’t bear her. And people never want to be a “project”. And close groups are healthy and we all need friends to get us out of that shell of self that makes us nasty to live with. And I should be quiet now because I’m just putting words together and I’m not sure any of this makes sense. Sometimes I just have this urge to say who the real Luci is and what she thinks even if she’s strange.

  I know you FFE ladies/gals are going to have a camaradarie that the rest of us won’t share. There will be inside jokes and warm memories that we know nothing about. You’ve been careful about not talking too much about things publicly, but now I want to hear a little bit about your weekend. I’m nosy like that. Pleeee….ase. With a cherry on top. I hope you had a fabulous time and felt loved and accepted and understood and alive.

  This post will be hard to comment on and you don’t need to. FFE gals/women: Don’t tell me you missed me. I know better. You don’t miss someone you’ve never met.

  Edit:  I know how easily I label and categorize and put people on pedestals when really we’re all made of the same stuff.  And while none of us want to be the pathetic person on the outskirts, we all find ourselves there sometimes, needing someone to reach out to us.

  I pray for myself and anyone reading this

  ….that our friendships may be healthy, not self-centered.

  ….that our hearts be free of jealousy and comparison and coveting and all the nasty things that eat away at what could be beautiful relationships.

  …..that we recognize those who need a friend.

  ….for wisdom to know what relationships to pursue and those we need to give up and move beyond.

  …for less judgment, more acceptance, and the freedom to give people the space they need.

  ….for genuine goodwill in seeing the friendships of others grow and strengthen.

  A joy-filled Monday to each of you.

  • 1:16 am
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